Since our founding in 1947, Onion Gamers Network has built a relationship of trust with our readership. The passing years have brought countless changes, but none altered the one simple tenet at the core of our reportage: Our journalists stopped at nothing to publish the latest industry news and sneak-peeks, and, in return, we demanded that our readers remain fiercely dedicated to the cause of gaming glory. In recent days, however, that relationship has changed, as a confidential informant has sadly informed us that there is a non-gamer within our readership.
We treat such matters with utmost seriousness, so let us be frank: Whoever you are, we will find you, and you will be dealt with.
It would be a waste of your time and ours to mention what an outright betrayal this news has been. It still unsettles our editorial board to think of the hours we spent uncovering the latest PS5 rumors and Red Dead easter eggs, asking for nothing in return, all while an unbeliever lurked in our audience’s ranks, clicking from page to page with their dirty casual hands, hidden in the shadows like the cowards they were.
Rest assured, they will hide no longer. And if we find out that any of you knew about this heretic and said nothing, or worse, actively abetted their campaign of gaming subversion, you will be discovered, too. Punishment for such traitors to our cause will be merciless and swift.
Perhaps it was our fault. Perhaps we were too kind. Too forgiving. By being so giving with our Halo Infinite hands-on impressions and GTA Trilogy glitch compilations, it’s possible we were asking to be taken advantage of. We should have known you were not our friends, but mere customers. It’s a lesson well learnt and we will not be so lenient in the future.
What’s most disgusting, however, is that this utopia we’ve created has forever been spoiled. Why? Because it was built upon trust. Trust that each and every one of you cared about the Soulsborne genre, that references to the Kingdom Hearts series would not be lost on you, and that the incalculable loss that came from the cancellation of Silent Hills would register in all of your eyes when we mentioned P.T. Trust used to be a word that mattered in this business. But knowing an outsider lingers amongst us sets fire to that word. We will no longer trust. We will only seek and destroy.
Simply put, we were fools for ever putting our faith in you. Any consequences from here on out—whether it’s the torture and death of the non-gamer or collateral damage caused to true gamers who simply get in our way—falls squarely upon your shoulders. You betrayed us and nothing will ever be the same. But alas, this is how it must be. And if you’re reading this, non-gamer, whoever you are, you should gird yourself.
You have awakened a sleeping giant.