AMARILLO, TX—Opening his suitcase to reveal a glowing bounty of illegally smuggled lotions, pills, and inhalers, local uncle Steve Palazzo told relatives Thursday he’d found the “score of the century” after he returned from a trip abroad with a treasure trove of prescription medicines. The uninsured 49-year-old, who had traveled to South America on business, reportedly regaled adoring family members with tales from his harrowing trip to the promised land, where he successfully acquired tens of thousands of dollars in rare and valuable pharmaceutical drugs. According to Palazzo, while the journey was by no means easy, and he faced danger around every turn, he eventually found a pharmacist who “hooked him up big-time” with Xanax, “ludes,” and Viagra, and also offered to do dental procedures, plastic surgery, or even cancer treatments for “dirt cheap.” After a brief rant about how stupid the locals were to just give him such prized treasures for “practically nothing,” Palazzo is said to have popped several medicines into his mouth, promised his family he would soon bring them to Valhalla, and then collapsed to the ground as his throat closed from an allergic reaction.
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