CANTON, OH—In an effort to conceal himself from sight, local undecided voter Jeff McNealy reportedly crouched inside a concrete drain pipe Thursday and remained completely silent as he waited for a convoy of political analysts and reporters to pass by on the road above. “I’m just praying that swarm of election correspondents doesn’t check down here, put a microphone in my face, and ask which way I’m leaning,” McNealy whispered as he crawled through the dark, wet tunnel in hopes of losing the pundits who have tirelessly staked out every swing-state diner, park, and farmers market in the nation as they attempt to gauge the mood of voters still on the fence in the presidential race. “I think I threw them off my trail, but you never know. One false move and I’m in for hours of unrelenting interrogation about whether the pandemic, the economy, or court appointments will be weighing most heavily upon my mind when I head to the polls in November. I’d best follow this sewer pipe as far as it goes and hope I can survive down here until Election Day.” At press time, sources confirmed a TV news chopper was combing the area with a searchlight following reports that an Obama-to-Trump voter had been spotted.
More from The Onion