FRESNO, CA—A local unfinished basement confirmed this week that the way homeowner Shelley Thomason has been eyeing it lately has caused it to feel deeply uneasy. “Every time she walks down the stairs, she always stops and gives me this look like she’s planning something, it’s really making me uncomfortable,” said the 900-square-foot ground-level area, which also reported that various sightings of Thomason carrying home unknown products in an orange Home Depot bucket had given it a sinking feeling of dread. “Whatever she’s thinking, I don’t see any way I’m going to make it out of this looking anything like I do now. Why is she carrying that velvet curtain down here now? Oh man, what does she want with me?” At press time, the basement was trying to calm down by convincing itself that even if Thomason tried to pull off some kind of DIY renovation project, she wouldn’t have what it takes to carry out the act.
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