NEW YORK—Emphasizing that the researchers were by no means happy about these results, an unfortunate study published by Columbia University this week found that abusing restaurant waitstaff is the secret to living a longer, happier life.
“After tracking thousands of individuals over a period of two decades, we can say with regrettable certainty that treating food service workers like subhuman garbage is the single most important factor in enhancing the length and quality of a human lifespan,” said the study’s lead author Dr. Elizabeth Mitran, who reluctantly explained that just 30 seconds of screaming at a waiter for slow entrées carries greater benefits than an hour of vigorous exercise.“We can’t in good conscience endorse this behavior, but every waiter you make cry adds another year to your life.”
“We saw stage IV cancer patients go into full remission after getting a server fired for not smiling enough, no chemo necessary,” added Mitran, shaking her head and frowning as she revealed the data. “In addition, writing ‘God loves you’ on the bill instead of leaving a tip was a silver bullet against depression. We hate to say it, but the subjects who bitched out a server for saying ‘No problem’ instead of ‘You’re welcome’ had unmatched vitality and emotional wellbeing, while those who treated waitstaff with dignity and respect tended to die early and alone.”
Mitran confirmed that meditation and the Okinawa diet sadly just could not compare to hurling a plate of eggs at your waiter’s face. Mitran also revealed that the researchers honestly wished they had not done the study in the first place, but they stood by their regrettable findings.
When asked if abusing retail employees and baristas could achieve similar results, Mitran hesitated for a moment before admitting that abuse of those workers was, in fact, the secret to mind-blowing, full-body orgasms.