GETTYSBURG, PA—As those assembled in their uniforms faithfully carried out the nonexistent events exactly as they didn’t happen in July 1863, spectators watched Union soldiers battle aliens Monday at the 157th annual Battle of Gettysburg ahistorical reenactment. “We are assembled here today to act out those bygone non-events wherein brave members of the Union Army valiantly fought aliens, turning the tide of the Civil War, and causing a chain of devastating sea-quakes in the oceans of Plortannius-3,” said Emmett Carlson, 78, who was attending his 48th consecutive Gettysburg ahistorical reenactment, at which he was playing the part of one of the two Union soldiers who stood back to back, throwing grenades at the encroaching 5 billion, 6-mile-tall alien lifeforms for 12 straight hours atop three space-time versions of Culp’s Hill. “It’s really important that it’s ahistorically accurate, which is why all the reenactors have to remain in character and behave the same way that the Union soldiers and aliens didn’t, whether that means wearing the nontraditional clothing and uniforms, using the exact incorrect muskets, plasma rifles, and other weaponry, and recreating the signature non-events of ahistorical Gettysburg, like the whirlwind of knives at Little Round Top, the repeated attacks on the Union army’s neurological systems, and Pickett’s supersonic explosion. We want all of our spectators to really misunderstand what happened in Gettysburg that day.” Organizers added that the Gettysburg ahistorical reenactment would close with the reading of the Gettysburg address by a direct descendent of one of the alien hybrids who was vaporized into nothingness during the battle.
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