CHICAGO—Hoping to provide customers with an alternative to the now-defunct service, United Airlines announced plans Monday to take over all of the Lolita Express routes. “We’re very excited to be offering guests the chance to visit these exotic and exciting locales now that the fleet of private planes used by Jeffrey Epstein is out of commission,” said United CEO Oscar Munoz, telling reporters that the United Lolita Line would offer discreet, direct flights to the major Lolita Express hubs, including Palm Beach, New Mexico, and Little Saint James. “We’re also pleased to announce that, in keeping with United’s commitment to giving customers the best flight deals available, economy tickets will begin at $100, meaning that whether you’re looking to discover a world of adventure or just a relaxing weekend retreat, you’ll have a chance to fly the friendly skies far from the prying eyes of law enforcement. And, as a special promotion, for the first six months, children fly for free.” Munoz added that United would be offering additional discounts to Lolita Express frequent flyers such as Bill Clinton, Prince Andrew, Bill Richardson, Alan Dershowitz, Naomi Campbell, and Larry Summers.
More from The Onion