University Health Center Offers Students Free Roofies

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CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—In an effort to educate students about sex and provide them with the correct tools, the University of Virginia confirmed Thursday that its campus health center had begun offering students free roofies. “As a university, we feel it’s our job to ensure students have access to Rohypnol pills in order to feel safe and secure while drugging their victims,” said university spokesperson Mary O’Hare, adding that the school wanted to provide campus rapists with free, easy access to roofies, shot glasses, and information on sexual assault. “At the end of the day, it’s important our students have the necessary materials not just to carry out a sex crime, but also to appear innocent in the eyes of the law. As such, we will also be giving transgressors access to high-powered lawyers and solid alibis free of charge.” O’Hare added that the university would also dedicate a full-time adviser to publicly call all victims sluts and whores.