BOSTON—Explaining that she felt more firm standing by her principles given the healthy job market, unvaccinated United Airlines flight attendant Erin Collins told reporters Thursday that she was confident she could get work drifting between European ports aboard a medieval plague ship. “Yeah, I figure all I need to do is learn how to drain blood and work some animal cures and I’ll be a shoo-in for a position on a quarantined merchant ship overrun with the Black Death,” said Collins, stressing that her easy-going personality and mastery of Italian and French meant she would be “very simpatico” with the bird-mask wearing plague doctors, barbers, and physicians as they fumigated bad air, balanced humours, and administered poultices to the heaped bodies of the sickly and dying. “On the other hand, I’ve also definitely got the experience to join a ship of fools where the insane are pushed off from port to gibber endlessly on the high seas. All I’m saying is there are options out there for people like me who have serious concerns about vaccinations.” At press time, the flight attendant was reportedly infuriated after hearing that most 14th-century death ships required proof of leeching.