SANDY SPRINGS, GA—In what delivery personnel are calling an alarming nationwide trend, customers who answer the door wearing alluring lingerie and little else now account for less than 24 percent of the shipping business, a six-month investigation by UPS officials confirmed Monday. “The latest numbers are, frankly, unacceptable, and a far cry from where the industry stood a decade ago, when the observed rate of middle-aged women receiving packages in titillating undergarments soared as high as 60 percent,” UPS spokesperson Mark Dickens told reporters. “Perhaps more upsetting is the fact that, of those still wearing carelessly fastened negligees or lace garter belts, a mere 12 percent are remarking on how very, very hot it is outside, inviting the deliverymen in for lemonade, and then conspicuously mentioning that their husbands are away at work and won’t be back for a long time. This is a problem that must be rectified immediately.” Despite the grim outlook for the home delivery service, a recent employee survey conducted by Time Warner Cable found that its repair technicians continued to report a steady bra-and-panties rate of 92 percent.
More from The Onion
Obama Volunteers To Inject Vaccine, Eat Ghost Pepper, Get Bitten By Tarantula Live On New YouTube Channel