The U.S. Postal Service announced this week that it would discontinue regular mail delivery on Saturdays, a move officials say will save the struggling agency $2 billion per year. Here are other measures the post office is taking to balance its budget:

  • Shrewd new ad campaign preying on people‚Äôs desire to lick things
  • Looting any mail resembling a birthday card from a grandparent
  • Now accepting pipe bombs and anthrax for regular delivery
  • Eliminating all zip codes containing the number 5
  • Offering a free largemouth bass mailbox with the purchase of a USPS Premium account
  • Getting into human trafficking
  • Rebranding the agency as a hip new company known only as ‚ÄúThe Service‚ÄĚ
  • Launching new ‚ÄúPlease, Anyone, For The Love Of God, Mail Something‚ÄĚ series of commercials

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