BONAIRE, GA—In an effort to summon all 325 million citizens in from the fields for supper time, USDA Secretary Sonny Perdue rang the nationwide dinner bell Wednesday evening right at 6 p.m. for y’all to get in here. “Hoo-ee, hoo-ee! Come on in! Get it while it’s hot!” shouted Perdue, making sure to ring it loud enough for all the nation’s citizenry who were playing outside to hear it so they could hurry along now before the food gets cold. “Up, up, up, take your shoes off before you come into your house, and wash those hands real good! I worked hard on this beef for y’all, and I won’t have you waiting until it gets cold. And I better not catch you trying to sneak any of that rhubarb pie before you’ve finished your plate!” At press time, Perdue was scolding tens of millions of Americans for not scrubbing under their nails before coming to the table.
More from The Onion
Deal Alert: This Kid Has All The Coolest Games, And You Can Play Them At His House If You Can Get Over How Weird He Is
Alternate Price Of Book In Canadian Dollars Gives Man Little Window Into What Life Would Be Like If He Were Canadian