Use This Checklist To Build The Ultimate Bug-Out Bag

Use This Checklist To Build The Ultimate Bug-Out Bag

Illustration for article titled Use This Checklist To Build The Ultimate Bug-Out Bag

When disaster strikes, a real survivalist is always prepared. Use The Onion’s checklist to fill your bug-out bag with everything you’ll ever need in the event you have to evacuate.

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Bear Grylls

Bear Grylls

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You can be damn sure this guy will know what to do to help you weather harsh environments no matter where you end up.

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The Constitution of Belgium

The Constitution of Belgium

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There is no better foundation to use when trying to relaunch a society than this seminal 1831 document.

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Breath Mints

Breath Mints

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When you happen upon your first group of survivors, you’ll want to make a good first impression.

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REI Gift Card

REI Gift Card

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Any experienced survivalist will tell you not to let $27.03 go to waste.

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400 Crabs

400 Crabs

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You can use them for defense, sustenance, or companionship.

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Decoy Bug-Out Bag

Decoy Bug-Out Bag

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Leave this behind in place of your actual bug-out bag to convince your pursuers that you’ve yet to bug-out.

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Extra Toe

Extra Toe

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It’s always good to have an extra toe just in case you lose one to frostbite, hunger, etc.

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A Golden-Toned Polaroid Picture Of Your Child Or Significant Other

A Golden-Toned Polaroid Picture Of Your Child Or Significant Other

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This is to clutch to your chest at night while you weep and curse the scientific establishment for not heeding the warnings of their disgraced colleague.

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Swiss Army Knife

Swiss Army Knife

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Good for opening Amazon packages whenever that starts back up.

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The Holy Bible

The Holy Bible

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It’s the only help you really need, friend.

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One Bean

One Bean

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For short-term disasters, skip the can. One bean is all you’ll really need.

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Dave

Dave

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He’s always good for a laugh.

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A Paper Map

A Paper Map

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In case technology isn’t able to be used, you want an old-fashioned way to start a fire.

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Clone Of Yourself

Clone Of Yourself

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You never know when you’re going to need an extra organ or a decoy when a roving gang of bandits attack.

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One Copy Of The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book Of Etiquette

One Copy Of The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book Of Etiquette

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Disasters are no excuse for rudeness.

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A Damian Lillard Jersey

A Damian Lillard Jersey

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Presuming he survives the apocalypse as well, Damian would likely really appreciate looking into the stands and seeing someone wearing his jersey.

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Water-Treatment Facility

Water-Treatment Facility

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No bug-out bag is complete without this foolproof system for preventing dehydration.

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Change For A $20 Bill

Change For A $20 Bill

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This will save you the headache of trying to break a twenty in a survival situation.

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Picture of Civilization

Picture of Civilization

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Just so you’ll remember what it looks like when you have to rebuild it.

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Your Dad

Your Dad

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Your dad always keeps a level head in these situations.

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