KISSIMMEE, FL—Firmly reminding himself that he was off-duty, vacationing Minneapolis police detective Jack Ullman, 56, averted his gaze and kept walking as if he had not just spotted a human corpse in the underbrush of the woods near his hotel, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Nope, didn’t see it,” Ullman said to himself, reportedly making a concerted effort to forget about the bloated, lacerated body and focus on enjoying himself. “It’s someone else’s jurisdiction. Not about to deal with that. Even though there were clear signs of a struggle, what looked like blunt-force trauma to the head, and—no, no, Jack, put it out of your mind. This is your time to relax.” At press time, sources confirmed Ullman had resolved to take just one quick peek under the fingernails and leave it at that.
More from The Onion