WASHINGTON—Saying that he would feel a lot better if someone just “poked [their] head in” on the landmass and its population while he was away, U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security Jeh Johnson reportedly asked his neighbor Wednesday if he would mind keeping an eye on the country over the upcoming weekend. “You really don’t have to do much—just check the borders a few times a day and keep an eye out for anything that looks suspicious in the major metropolitan areas,” said Johnson, explaining that if his neighbor simply looked over the Eastern Seaboard for a few minutes in the morning and then gave the West a quick once-over in the early evening, “that should do it.” “America tends to take care of itself for the most part, but I’ll just rest easier knowing someone’s checking up on it from time to time. The only thing of any real concern would be if you spotted an imminent terror attack somewhere, in which case, please call me immediately.” Johnson reportedly told his neighbor not to worry if it was too much trouble, as he had left the country unattended for a few days before in the past without much incident.

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