SUMMIT, NJ—Determined to gather all the facts before drawing any conclusions, local vaccine skeptic Joel Edwards was reportedly doing his own research Wednesday by enrolling 45,000 friends in a double-blind clinical trial. “It’s important to always think for yourself, which is why I’m conducting a 5-year, 3-phase, placebo-controlled study with tens of thousands of volunteers from across the country,” said the 32-year-old car wash attendant, who explained that he had divided the trial participants into two randomized groups, one which he would inject with the Pfizer-BioNTech Covid-19 vaccine, and the other whom he would administer an injection of saline solution. “Listen, I’m no sucker. You’re free to be a sheep, but I’m not going to take anything the government tells me for granted without conducting a multi-million dollar study published in the New England Journal Of Medicine proving the safety and efficacy of mRNA vaccines.” At press time, Edwards was feeling incredibly validated after learning all participants who had received the Covid-19 vaccine had either become infertile, autistic, or died.