VATICAN CITY—In what theologians are describing as a giant step forward in divine surgery, a team of Vatican scientists successfully transplanted a pig soul into a human for the first time in church history, sources within the Holy See reported Friday. “We were in prayer for more than eight hours, but we’re pleased to announce that after a few extra Hail Marys to make sure it took, we were able to get a human body to accept a pig’s soul,” said chief surgeon Father Lorenzo Piccoli, explaining that the new development had potentially massive implications for people who were born with congenital soul defects and needed a replacement. “It’s a delicate procedure. There’s always the possibility that a demon soul could enter, and then suddenly you’re in the operating chapel having to perform an emergency exorcism. But we’re pleased to report we can now give people a second chance at spiritual life, this time as a pig. Our patient has made a full recovery and is at the moment oinking happily and eating acorns.” The scientists went on to clarify that in keeping with the Catholic teaching that animals cannot enter into the kingdom of heaven, the recipient of the transplant would be damned for all eternity.
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