Venmo Rolls Out Feature Allowing Users To Send Goons To Collect Payment

NEW YORK—Claiming the mobile payment app’s latest update will facilitate noticeably faster transactions, the developers of Venmo unveiled a new feature Friday that will allow users to send goons to collect outstanding payments. “This is definitely a fun, impactful new way to remind friends and family that they’re still on the hook if their debt isn’t settled within the first day or so,” said PayPal CEO Dan Schulman, noting that once the feature is engaged, delinquent parties will receive push notifications that Venmo goons are en route with baseball bats and that debtors have the option to run, but not hide. “Whether you need $8.99 for pad Thai or a couple grand to make this month’s rent, one press of the brass knuckles icon sends a gang of tatted-out ex-cons to completely fuck up your deadbeat friend. You can even send one of our XL goons if you anticipate some kind of resistance. Within 24 hours, the funds should be in your account; if not, our goons will automatically circle back and break their knee caps. When you pony up with Venmo, it’s about fucking respect.” Schulman cautioned those taking advantage of the new debt-collection feature to remember that a 25% cut to any participating goon is considered customary.

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