BENTONVILLE, AR—In a toxic cycle of physical abuse that is said to have persisted for years, sources reported Tuesday that violent local man Phil Darnip always begged for his wall’s forgiveness after hitting it. “Baby, I’m so sorry, I’ll never do it again, I promise,” Darnip said after a recent domestic incident with his living room wall, which he has on many occasions struck so hard that a picture had to be hung on it to hide evidence of the damage. “You know I love you, right, honey? In fact, that’s why I lose my temper sometimes, because I care about you so much it makes me crazy. Can’t you see I’m crazy for you? Now let’s make sure I don’t get upset like that again, because right now my hand really, really hurts.” At press time, Darnip had posted to Instagram a photo of himself and the wall in happier times, writing in the caption that they would always stick together through the good and the bad, no matter what happened.
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