KANNAPOLIS, NC—With the air of a trained professional who executes complicated maneuvers with ease, a virtuoso consumer flawlessly exchanged currency for goods, sources confirmed Tuesday. “My god, look at this prodigy slide his debit card through the reader and seamlessly turn simple products like a pack of sponges and a Snickers bar into his own property in mere seconds,” said an awestruck onlooker, marveling at how the man made quick, determined strokes on the keypad before accepting the bagged items. “He’s giving them money, they’re giving him physical goods—it’s astounding. He’s a natural. And what’s more, he looks young, so this consumer savant clearly has decades ahead of him to perfect his craft even more. Being a consumer was truly the role he was born to play.” At press time, bystanders at a barbershop were stunned after watching the virtuoso consumer exchange currency for services.
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