MIAMI—Descending on the most heavily impacted shorelines in a desperate effort to contain the damage, volunteers rushed to the Florida coast to clean up the glistening hunks found lying on the beach after a massive baby oil spill, sources confirmed Thursday. “Some of these poor studs are absolutely shimmering in all that fragrant mineral oil, so we’re just happy to do whatever we can to help,” volunteer Stephanie Michaels said as she demonstrated how to scrub every square inch of spillage from the chiseled frame of an Adonis. “See how all that gushing oil has highlighted every contour of this hunk’s absolutely ripped pecs and V-cut abs? You can use a brush, towel, or even your tongue to clean them up. When a tragedy like this strikes, it feels good to be able to provide some comfort to these beautiful, perfect creatures.” At press time, the baby oil spill had reportedly destabilized the hunks’ ecosystem, forcing hundreds to be relocated to a new gym.