GOODRICH, MI—In an effort to make an informed decision for the upcoming midterm elections, local voter Tom Richardson told reporters Tuesday that he just needs to know which candidate chops wood in a flannel shirt. “You really have to dig through all the generic talking points and policy positions in order to find out whether the Democrat or the Republican candidate splits logs in a thick plaid button-up,” said Richardson, noting that while he has seen some political commercials in which candidates are wearing flannel and walking around outdoors, none of the ads definitively answer whether they chop firewood in woolen thermal wear or are completely unqualified for the position. “I don’t know why these politicians can’t focus on the important issues in their campaign mailers instead of yapping about healthcare. Just show me whether you stand for felling trees and building a woodpile in your checkered shirt so I’m not in the dark when I get inside the voting booth.” At press time, a visibly frustrated Richardson had decided to vote for the candidate who had posed for a photo next to a lit fireplace.
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