
The Onion provides in-depth coverage of how voters are “legally” intimidated, disenfranchised, and discriminated against at the state level.
The Onion provides in-depth coverage of how voters are “legally” intimidated, disenfranchised, and discriminated against at the state level.
Must show proof of Republican Party registration in order to cast a ballot
Voters forced to swim upstream to polling place
Voters must chug and successfully flip their cup onto the table before a member of opposing party does in order for their ballot to count
Haven’t bothered with elections since Bill Clinton
Residents willing to pay $300 per day to receive voting line fast pass
Steep slopes, bumps, and tree hazards directly in front of polling places
Jacket required
No one lives here
No good place to set down daiquiris within five miles of most polling locations
Minorities deterred from voting by ominous banjo sound
Voting turnout greatly diminished by the enigmatic draw of the ocean calling on residents to leave the voting lines and ride the waves
In recognition of those such as undocumented immigrants, felons, the homeless, and others who are deprived of their right to have a democratic say in their lives, everyone from Idaho collectively abstains from voting in every election
Monetary bribes must be postmarked on or before election day
Signature on ballots must match God’s
You think there’s voter suppression in Iowa? Think again. Iowa is a democratic paradise, the only place on earth where people live in peace and harmony with their fellow man, an egalitarian utopia not even Thomas More himself could have ever dreamed of
Polling places in Democratic districts staffed by tornadoes
Slowest voters to arrive at polling place euthanized with shotgun
Voters’ tits must match tits on ID
Voters’ hands rubber-banded together for safe handling
Officials dump everyone’s ballots right onto the table in a pile of steaming corn, crabs, and potatoes
Voters must be able to have Sully vouch for them that they’re good for it
No laws, though a few guys are going to show up with guns and an American flag attached to a sword
Illegal to free someone from block of ice in order to vote
State’s only polling places located in year 1932
Any individual attempting to enter a polling booth is shot on sight
The state gives residents the option of having votes counted or taxidermied and hung on wall
Tall prairie grass allowed to intimidate voters at polls
Ballots must be dropped off in person in a stripper’s G-string
Voters must show photo ID verifying cragginess
Restrictions on felons disenfranchise 90% of electorate
Must show at least two forms of turquoise to prove residence
Someone pissed in the fucking ballot box
Residents must go through a 90-minute timeshare presentation and registration in order to vote
Polling places deliberately placed in path of combine harvesters
Shame at having to witness other living, breathing Ohioans is voter suppression enough
Voting is strictly prohibited under penalty of death
Voters required to overcome deep-seated mistrust in very idea of representative government
All voters required to present at least one bone from attendee of 1787 Constitutional Convention
Nearest polling places located in Massachusetts or New York
They don’t take too kindly to the democratic process ’round here
Must cast ballot at Mount Rushmore directly into Abraham Lincoln’s mouth
ID and Dollywood ticket stub must be presented at polling place
Voters must finish a 72-ounce T-bone in under an hour for their vote to count
Sacred red, white, and blue undergarments required for election day
Only white people here, so not necessary
Voting banned as it is considered part of Critical Race Theory
Majority of wildlife still not eligible to vote
Voting considered a public nuisance punishable by up to $1,000 fine
Polling places don’t start serving alcohol until noon
Must show two forms of shotgun