Voter Suppression Laws In Every State

The Onion provides in-depth coverage of how voters are “legally” intimidated, disenfranchised, and discriminated against at the state level.

2 / 52

Alabama

Must show proof of Republican Party registration in order to cast a ballot

3 / 52

Alaska

Voters forced to swim upstream to polling place

4 / 52

Arizona

Voters must chug and successfully flip their cup onto the table before a member of opposing party does in order for their ballot to count

5 / 52

Arkansas

Haven’t bothered with elections since Bill Clinton

6 / 52

California

Residents willing to pay $300 per day to receive voting line fast pass

7 / 52

Colorado

Steep slopes, bumps, and tree hazards directly in front of polling places

8 / 52

Connecticut

Jacket required

9 / 52

Delaware

No one lives here

10 / 52

Florida

No good place to set down daiquiris within five miles of most polling locations

11 / 52

Georgia

Minorities deterred from voting by ominous banjo sound

12 / 52

Hawaii

Voting turnout greatly diminished by the enigmatic draw of the ocean calling on residents to leave the voting lines and ride the waves

13 / 52

Idaho

In recognition of those such as undocumented immigrants, felons, the homeless, and others who are deprived of their right to have a democratic say in their lives, everyone from Idaho collectively abstains from voting in every election

14 / 52

Illinois

Monetary bribes must be postmarked on or before election day

15 / 52

Indiana

Signature on ballots must match God’s

16 / 52

Iowa

You think there’s voter suppression in Iowa? Think again. Iowa is a democratic paradise, the only place on earth where people live in peace and harmony with their fellow man, an egalitarian utopia not even Thomas More himself could have ever dreamed of

17 / 52

Kansas

Polling places in Democratic districts staffed by tornadoes

18 / 52

Kentucky

Slowest voters to arrive at polling place euthanized with shotgun

19 / 52

Louisiana

Voters’ tits must match tits on ID

20 / 52

Maine

Voters’ hands rubber-banded together for safe handling

21 / 52

Maryland

Officials dump everyone’s ballots right onto the table in a pile of steaming corn, crabs, and potatoes

22 / 52

Massachusetts

Voters must be able to have Sully vouch for them that they’re good for it

23 / 52

Michigan

No laws, though a few guys are going to show up with guns and an American flag attached to a sword

24 / 52

Minnesota

Illegal to free someone from block of ice in order to vote

25 / 52

Mississippi

State’s only polling places located in year 1932

26 / 52

Missouri

Any individual attempting to enter a polling booth is shot on sight

27 / 52

Montana

The state gives residents the option of having votes counted or taxidermied and hung on wall

28 / 52

Nebraska

Tall prairie grass allowed to intimidate voters at polls

29 / 52

Nevada

Ballots must be dropped off in person in a stripper’s G-string

30 / 52

New Hampshire

Voters must show photo ID verifying cragginess

31 / 52

New Jersey

Restrictions on felons disenfranchise 90% of electorate

32 / 52

New Mexico

Must show at least two forms of turquoise to prove residence

33 / 52

New York

Someone pissed in the fucking ballot box

34 / 52

North Carolina

Residents must go through a 90-minute timeshare presentation and registration in order to vote

35 / 52

North Dakota

Polling places deliberately placed in path of combine harvesters

36 / 52

Ohio

Shame at having to witness other living, breathing Ohioans is voter suppression enough

37 / 52

Oklahoma

Voting is strictly prohibited under penalty of death

38 / 52

Oregon

Voters required to overcome deep-seated mistrust in very idea of representative government

39 / 52

Pennsylvania

All voters required to present at least one bone from attendee of 1787 Constitutional Convention

40 / 52

Rhode Island

Nearest polling places located in Massachusetts or New York

41 / 52

South Carolina

They don’t take too kindly to the democratic process ’round here

42 / 52

South Dakota

Must cast ballot at Mount Rushmore directly into Abraham Lincoln’s mouth

43 / 52

Tennessee

ID and Dollywood ticket stub must be presented at polling place

44 / 52

Texas

Voters must finish a 72-ounce T-bone in under an hour for their vote to count

45 / 52

Utah

Sacred red, white, and blue undergarments required for election day

46 / 52

Vermont

Only white people here, so not necessary

47 / 52

Virginia

Voting banned as it is considered part of Critical Race Theory

48 / 52

Washington

Majority of wildlife still not eligible to vote

49 / 52

West Virginia

Voting considered a public nuisance punishable by up to $1,000 fine

50 / 52

Wisconsin

Polling places don’t start serving alcohol until noon

51 / 52

Wyoming

Must show two forms of shotgun