Voter Suppression Laws In Every State

Must show proof of Republican Party registration in order to cast a ballot

Voters forced to swim upstream to polling place

Voters must chug and successfully flip their cup onto the table before a member of opposing party does in order for their ballot to count

Haven’t bothered with elections since Bill Clinton

Residents willing to pay $300 per day to receive voting line fast pass

Steep slopes, bumps, and tree hazards directly in front of polling places

Jacket required

No one lives here

No good place to set down daiquiris within five miles of most polling locations

Minorities deterred from voting by ominous banjo sound

Voting turnout greatly diminished by the enigmatic draw of the ocean calling on residents to leave the voting lines and ride the waves

In recognition of those such as undocumented immigrants, felons, the homeless, and others who are deprived of their right to have a democratic say in their lives, everyone from Idaho collectively abstains from voting in every election

Monetary bribes must be postmarked on or before election day

Signature on ballots must match God’s

You think there’s voter suppression in Iowa? Think again. Iowa is a democratic paradise, the only place on earth where people live in peace and harmony with their fellow man, an egalitarian utopia not even Thomas More himself could have ever dreamed of

Polling places in Democratic districts staffed by tornadoes

Slowest voters to arrive at polling place euthanized with shotgun

Voters’ tits must match tits on ID

Voters’ hands rubber-banded together for safe handling

Officials dump everyone’s ballots right onto the table in a pile of steaming corn, crabs, and potatoes

Voters must be able to have Sully vouch for them that they’re good for it

No laws, though a few guys are going to show up with guns and an American flag attached to a sword

Illegal to free someone from block of ice in order to vote

State’s only polling places located in year 1932

Any individual attempting to enter a polling booth is shot on sight

The state gives residents the option of having votes counted or taxidermied and hung on wall

Tall prairie grass allowed to intimidate voters at polls

Ballots must be dropped off in person in a stripper’s G-string

Voters must show photo ID verifying cragginess

Restrictions on felons disenfranchise 90% of electorate

Must show at least two forms of turquoise to prove residence

Someone pissed in the fucking ballot box

Residents must go through a 90-minute timeshare presentation and registration in order to vote

Polling places deliberately placed in path of combine harvesters

Shame at having to witness other living, breathing Ohioans is voter suppression enough

Voting is strictly prohibited under penalty of death

Voters required to overcome deep-seated mistrust in very idea of representative government

All voters required to present at least one bone from attendee of 1787 Constitutional Convention

Nearest polling places located in Massachusetts or New York

They don’t take too kindly to the democratic process ’round here

Must cast ballot at Mount Rushmore directly into Abraham Lincoln’s mouth

ID and Dollywood ticket stub must be presented at polling place

Voters must finish a 72-ounce T-bone in under an hour for their vote to count

Sacred red, white, and blue undergarments required for election day

Only white people here, so not necessary

Voting banned as it is considered part of Critical Race Theory

Majority of wildlife still not eligible to vote

Voting considered a public nuisance punishable by up to $1,000 fine

Polling places don’t start serving alcohol until noon

Must show two forms of shotgun