The Onion provides all the details, facts, and lies you need to know to better understand the Wagner Group and the recent revolt of these mercenaries against Russia.
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The Wagner Group. Seriously? Pay attention. Jesus Christ.
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WeWork in Flatiron District
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60% Russian, 40% Dead
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Yevgeny Prigozhin, who went ninth overall in the 2015 mercenary draft
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Pending
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Three bullets and a steak knife
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Flat. All mercenaries have an equal stake in any pillaged loot and are free to avail themselves of the free keg and foosball tables in the Wagner Group office.
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Chill, laid-back, positive
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Walmart
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JFK, Archduke Franz Ferdinand, Osama bin Laden, Julius Caesar, Betty White
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Neutered
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Standard 401(k) with up to 6% match
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Casual dates, hookups, group sex, FWB, watching
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JC Chasez, Selena Gomez
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$800,000
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Summer preppy
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71.8
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Waggy the Wagner Group Pup
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Yes :D !
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Petrozavodsk Prison, Volgograd Prison, IK-6 Penal Colony
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72.4
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Ranges from $30,000 to $50,000 with book signing and after-event discussion
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Mass rape and murder
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“Cut To The Feeling” by Carly Rae Jepsen
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You betcha
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Thursdays
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$30
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Chocolate!
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“Once upon a time I was falling in love, but now I’m only falling apart. There’s nothing I can do; a total eclipse of the heart.”
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Matt Damon, Chris Rock, and Margot Robbie
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