The Onion provides all the details, facts, and lies you need to know to better understand the Wagner Group and the recent revolt of these mercenaries against Russia.
The Wagner Group. Seriously? Pay attention. Jesus Christ.
WeWork in Flatiron District
60% Russian, 40% Dead
Yevgeny Prigozhin, who went ninth overall in the 2015 mercenary draft
United Nations Membership Status
Total Amount Of Firepower
Three bullets and a steak knife
Flat. All mercenaries have an equal stake in any pillaged loot and are free to avail themselves of the free keg and foosball tables in the Wagner Group office.
Chill, laid-back, positive
JFK, Archduke Franz Ferdinand, Osama bin Laden, Julius Caesar, Betty White
Standard 401(k) with up to 6% match
Casual dates, hookups, group sex, FWB, watching
JC Chasez, Selena Gomez
Amount Of Money In PPP Loans
Knife Score, As Rated By The U.N. High Council Of Knives
Waggy the Wagner Group Pup
Yes :D !
Petrozavodsk Prison, Volgograd Prison, IK-6 Penal Colony
War Crimes Per Member
Ranges from $30,000 to $50,000 with book signing and after-event discussion
Preferred Method Of Controlling African Mining Towns
Mass rape and murder
“Cut To The Feeling” by Carly Rae Jepsen
Links To White Supremacists
Organization’s Net Worth
“Once upon a time I was falling in love, but now I’m only falling apart. There’s nothing I can do; a total eclipse of the heart.”
Matt Damon, Chris Rock, and Margot Robbie