CHICAGO—Catering to a segment of the population chronically underserved by man and God alike, Walgreens unveiled a new line of shrink-wrapped sandwiches Tuesday for the doomed, afflicted, and beleaguered to purchase in times when things have gone horribly, horribly wrong. “These inexpensive, tightly shrink-wrapped, alternately soggy or dried-out sandwiches are ideal for those whose lives have taken a sudden and unimaginably tragic turn,” said Walgreens CEO Stefano Pessina, who noted his company’s colorless sandwiches would come in a variety of nearly anonymous dreary flavors such as “turkey with warm iceberg lettuce” and “ham with semi-solid cheese” and that all sandwiches would be packaged with a limp pickle spear, one unlabeled packet of an extremely pale yellow condiment, and a vague sense of futility. “Whether you’re eating one on the go while heading to a miserable job, avoiding several outstanding warrants for failure to pay child support, or just don’t value yourself very highly, our sandwiches are slapped together in a way that’s guaranteed to make you wonder exactly why your body needs to continue on. Has everyone you once cared about now abandoned you? Are you down to your last $3 in loose change? Walgreens now has the perfect egg salad sandwich or plain hot dog to accompany speculation at exactly how low rock bottom can go. And if you’re at the end of the line, but you’re still not sure you want to step over it, why not think that over while forcing down a crumbling meatball sub from the room-temperature cooler we put across from the generic cough medicine and foot powder? Hell, grab a nice warm yogurt, too. You’re worth it.” Pessina also noted that Walgreens had won the legal battle to call its shrink-wrapped raw fish meals “sushi,” but recommended that customers refrain from eating them until they were fully committed to killing themselves.
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