NEW YORK—In response to a leading economic barometer portending woe to come, Wall Street officials expressed concern about a looming recession Thursday after ominous black storm clouds were spotted atop Mount Money. “While consumer spending and jobless claims are certainly important bellwethers, we were forced to negatively revise the outlook for the U.S. economy after detecting the tempestuous and sinister sky roiling above Mount Money as well as fissures forming in the peak,” said economist Russ DeWitte, noting that the black smoke billowing from Stagflation Chasm was the most reliable auger of doom and had foretold every single downturn since the Great Depression. “We were first forewarned by the menacing caws of ravens perched in the lucre tree and became increasingly apprehensive when Mount Money’s crystal-clear spring began to boil and turn acrid with the stench of sulfur. Atone for your sins, for financial doom is upon us.” At press time, the Federal Reserve was attempting to stave off the economic calamity by lowering consumers into Mount Money’s magma chamber.
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