BENTONVILLE, AR—Despite Governor Asa Hutchinson’s refusal to sign a controversial religious freedom bill that seemed to permit businesses to discriminate against homosexuals, officials from Arkansas-based retailer Walmart announced Wednesday that they would nevertheless continue defending whichever gays buy their cheap shit. “It’s important that any gays who come into our stores and blow money on some horribly constructed ironing board do so knowing that we stand with them in solidarity,” said Walmart spokesman John Kear, adding that the company would not stop pressuring politicians throughout the nation to recognize the rights of people of any sexual orientation who purchase a bunch of their flimsy tupperware that will be completely warped within a month. “If you’re gay and rummage around our $5 DVD bin, or just walk up and down our aisles looking for a pair of $10 unisex clogs, we support you. Respect and equality for those who spend an afternoon shopping for an uneven particle-board coffee table are fundamental values of all of us at Walmart.” Kear added that the matter hits particularly close to home, as he personally knows several gays who buy old produce from his local Walmart’s grocery store.
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