Warm Weather Compels Concept Of ‘Bikini Bod’ To Slither Forward From Poisoned Subconscious

Illustration for article titled Warm Weather Compels Concept Of ‘Bikini Bod’ To Slither Forward From Poisoned Subconscious

CHICAGO—The onset of warm weather reportedly compelled the buried concept of “bikini bod” to slither Thursday from the poisoned subconscious of local woman Maura Kingston, wriggling through dense toxic thoughts toward the light. Several reports indicated that “visible abs, glistening skin, and thigh gaps,” crawled out of the darkest corners of Kingston’s psyche and screeched a warning that fruit actually contains a lot of carbohydrates. Sources confirmed that the rising temperatures offered the phrase succor from the endless murkiness to which it had been banished the prior autumn. The expression “smoking hot” reportedly hissed with glee while frantically writhing across Kingston’s mind as its thousand toothless mouths shrieked cacophonous pleas for sculpted muscles. At press time, sources confirmed that the parasitic horror was oozing with notions of a tanned stomach and toned, hairless arms while feasting on the remains of Kingston’s self-acceptance.

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