OMAHA, NE—In a move that has excited millions of fans across the country, business magnate Warren Buffett announced Wednesday that he will pay a grand prize of $1 billion if famed college basketball analyst Dick Vitale manages to shut up for the duration of this year’s NCAA tournament. “I was looking for some way to add to the already amazing spectacle of March Madness and came up with something actually quite simple: Dick Vitale keeps his goddamn mouth shut for the next three weeks and he gets a billion dollars,” said Buffett, stressing that the challenge is in no way a publicity stunt and that he is fully prepared to pay out if Vitale “doesn’t say one fucking word” for the entirety of the tournament. “The odds of success are obviously very, very small—nearly impossible, in fact—but you never know. And while some people say putting up such a huge sum of money is crazy, I think if something that incredible happened it would be well worth a billion dollars. There’s no prize for coming close, though, so one ‘slam, bam, jam’ or ‘diaper dandy’ and it’s unfortunately over.” At press time, sources confirmed that Vitale had already blown it.
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