CAMBRIDGE, MA—Fed-up presidential hopeful Elizabeth Warren publicly told her supporters Friday to “Cut that Pinterest shit out,” reminding them that her candidacy was a serious bid to become “the commander in chief of the goddamn United States and should be treated as such.” “I’m running a legitimate campaign for the highest fucking office in the nation, carrying on the legacy of brave historical women who stood up to oppression and spoke truth to power, I’m not an excuse for you to create a lame-ass ‘TeamWarren’-branded Etsy account,” said the Massachusetts senator sternly, adding that she was an “actual human woman with legislative experience, not an adult Hermione motherfucking Granger.” “Oh, you stitched ‘Nevertheless she persisted’ onto another damn pillow for your Instagram? Cute. By the way, have you ever heard of canvassing, or is the ‘pussy hat’ you wasted crucial primary outreach hours crocheting too snug around your ears? And, while we’re on this, where are the profits from that deluge of enamel pins going? Certainly not to my campaign, last I checked.” At press time, Warren had punched through the glass of a framed poster featuring her head photoshopped onto Wonder Woman’s body that her “so-called supporters” had mailed to her campaign headquarters.
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