LAS VEGAS—Saying that they wanted to help fulfill the dreams of an 8-year-old boy stricken with terminal cancer, the Washington Commanders revealed Friday that they would let a Make-A-Wish Foundation announce a team draft pick, become the new team president, and take the fall for the team’s financial irregularities. “Bryson is a great little kid going through something no child should have to go through, and we want to help him feel special by letting him announce our second-round pick as part of his new role as team president, for which he’ll be perfectly positioned should the federal investigation into our franchise result in jail time,” said Commanders owner Dan Snyder, adding that the team was thrilled to partner with the Make-A-Wish Foundation to fulfill the lifelong dreams of the boy to be fired for his role in sweeping sexual assault allegations under the rug in a football team’s ploy to clean up its public image. “Getting to stand onstage with the newest member of the Washington Commanders and then getting thrown under the bus by everyone in our organization who the House Oversight Committee speaks to is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and we couldn’t be happier to offer Bryson that experience. Not only will he receive a signed Terry McLaurin jersey and tickets to our first home game of the season, Bryson will be the likely recipient of a five- to seven-year prison sentence for his role in falsely reporting sales revenue and keeping money meant for the league. This is a really special moment.” At press time, the Make-A-Wish kid was being led off the NFL draft stage in handcuffs.
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