WASHINGTON—Stressing that Americans could finally begin returning to their regular lives, President Joe Biden announced during State of the Union address Tuesday that the country was turning the corner on the coronavirus, just as a gargantuan Covid-19 particle touched down on Washington, D.C. “After more than two years, we have made real progress against this terrible disease. We have the tools to contain it, and it is time to start living normally again,” said the commander in chief while the massive novel coronavirus molecule eclipsed the sky, sending D.C. residents screaming as its giant spike proteins toppled the Washington Monument and hurled it into the Potomac River before touching down and sending powerful shockwaves across the National Mall that shattered the U.S. Capitol’s windows. “Put away your masks. Breathe easy. We are entering a new, hopeful phase of—oh, Jesus fucking Christ, what is that goddamn thing?” At press time, the gargantuan virus was relentlessly moving towards Biden’s location as Capitol police shot round after round into the Covid particle’s thick, impenetrable cell membrane.
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