We Ask Dr. Fauci About What He's Planning For The Next Pandemic

Fauci: Yes, I’ve seen the cartoon drawings of me with a six-pack, and it’s flattering, obviously. I bought some for friends. It’s fun. I show them off at parties. I put them on my business card. It makes me laugh, you know? I put them up on my walls. I smile when I see them.

Fauci: I’m glad you asked, because it’s not so simple as releasing deadly viral pathogens into the air or water. Pandemics are created over time, as a result of millions of discrete decisions to, say, systematically deprive your population of functional healthcare, or encourage people to believe misinformation to the extent that a massive part of the population won’t believe anything an authority tells them. So in that case, the Covid epidemic took a while to prepare, but fortunately all the conditions that made this pandemic so successful are getting even better—for the next pandemic, that is.

Fauci: No, we already tried that one a few decades ago.

Fauci: Right now we’ve narrowed it down to Venezuela and Russia, with Iran as a dark horse candidate, depending, of course, on our political needs.

Fauci: Yes, but I can’t name them outright without risking them finding out. I’ll just say, if I were in middle management at one of Ohio’s quarry excavation equipment rental companies, I’d pay very close attention to what I’m eating for lunch over the next few years.

Fauci: Oh, not for quite a while. 2022, at least.

Fauci: Everyone will need oven mitts and a chef’s hat to ward off infection.

Fauci: First off, I want people to acknowledge the “long Covid” symptoms like crazy fatigue and loss of sense of taste, which are pretty fun and don’t get enough credit. But ultimately I’d love to see some boils.

Fauci: Why would I tinker with our number one marketing tool?

Fauci: If you ever shit again, count yourself lucky.

Fauci: The shame and guilt they’ll carry for the rest of their lives is punishment enough.

Fauci: I’ll take the over.

Fauci: I don’t want to spoil anything, but I guarantee there will be plenty of twists and surprises that will keep everyone on the edge of their seats.

Fauci: Well, I can’t take all the credit. I rely on a lot of people who spread misinformation to make people distrust government and overcome the common sense needed to get vaccinated.

Fauci: What makes you think I was vaccinated? Seriously, I don’t want what’s in those needles, and neither do you.

Fauci: Honestly, I was surprised how fast they made a vaccine. Especially under Trump, I thought no way they’ll do this. Next time we’re hoping to make it confusing enough that a vaccine will take two to three years minimum.

Fauci: We’ve got a few people in government, but it’s actually mostly the private sector. You’d have to ask Purdue Pharma how many they’ve got on it.

Fauci: I’m contractually obligated to tell you that everyone should get a container of Hellman’s Sriracha Mayonnaise. Now, is that going to protect you? I can’t really say. But NIAID signed this deal, so here we are.

Fauci: In retrospect we could have had a little more fun with the media side, getting them to say the disease is spread through contact with blue eyed people or something like that. Those morons will print anything we leak them.

Fauci: [Pets the mink stole he is wearing.] Why shouldn’t I? Look at what you do to yourselves, to one another. This violence, this power—it’s all very casual. It’s something to do.

Fauci: This one is gonna kill a shit ton of dogs.

Fauci: It’s a collaboration between Arby’s and Home Depot.

Fauci: Don’t care.

Fauci: Ha, the police? The police?! I’m the Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases! I AM the police!

Fauci: I told you not to ask me about that you fucking fink. Goddamnit! I’m going to fucking kill you! Get over here! I’m going to tear out your throat! FUCK! I’ll kill you, you son of a bitch! Get back here!