Illustration for article titled ‘We Have Coronavirus Under Control,’ Announces CDC Director As Nose Slowly Transforms Into Pangolin Snout

ATLANTA—As gasps of horror resonated throughout the crowd of reporters, CDC director Robert Redfield announced Thursday that the spread of coronavirus was under control while his nose slowly transformed into a pangolin snout. “I want to assure the public that we acted quickly and aggressively to halt the progress of this virus, and now the threat is neutralized,” said Redfield, tugging at his shirt sleeves to conceal the hard scales that were forming along his clawed hands, his thin tongue snaking out of his narrowed muzzle to wrap around the microphone stand. “We’ve prevented a global pandemic and—argh, it hurts—Americans can rest assured Covid-19 is nothing to worry about. Oh God, what’s happening to me? Without our hardworking medical professionals, this could have ballooned into a nationwide crisis with far-reaching consequences. I do, however, want to stress that I need ants. Ants! Me want ants.” At press time, health officials were urging Atlanta residents to wash their hands if they had recently come into contact with an enormous feral pangolin.


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