We’re Running Out Of Time If We Still Want To Kill And Eat Jane Goodall

A Chimpanzee
A Chimpanzee

There’s something I’ve been meaning to bring up for a while now. I know we’ve talked about it over the years, but we’ve let ourselves get sidetracked from it for too long, and to be honest, the clock is ticking. If we don’t want the opportunity to slip away, we need to act soon. We simply don’t have a whole lot of time left if we’re really serious about killing and eating Jane Goodall.

Look, Jane’s not getting any younger, and she doesn’t come around as often as she used to. We probably don’t have that many chances left. And what are we waiting for anyway? How long have we been saying that one of these days when she least expects it, we’re all going to pounce on her and then feast upon her flesh? Well, that’s not gonna happen unless we get our shit together fast.

Next time she comes by, that’s it. We’ve got to do this. It’s now or never.

Obviously, this should be pretty easy to pull off. She let her guard down around us decades ago. Think about how many times Jane has wandered into a clearing all by herself—right out in the open!—to observe our eating habits or pick up one of our newborns. Well, she’s obviously going to do this again, and that’s when a bunch of us can just swoop down from the trees and tear her to pieces. Seriously, once we’re gorging on her flesh, we’re gonna be kicking ourselves for having waited almost 60 years.

Even if we all agree we should kill her—and, come on, is there anyone who’s not on board at this point?—we’re bound to have some differences of opinion as to the best way to do it. I personally would prefer to bash her skull in with a heavy rock the moment she steps out of her Jeep and walks over to greet us, but I’m open to other suggestions. I’m well aware that some of you are in favor of pulling her limbs off and devouring her dismembered torso, while there’s also a vocal minority that simply wants to squeeze the living breath from her body the next time she moves in for a hug. These are all fine ideas, and I could ultimately get behind any one of them as long as we kill Jane Goodall and kill her soon.

She’s 83, for Christ’s sake. We want to eat her while there’s still enough of her to go around.

As for which one of us actually does the killing, I think our best bet is for maybe 15 to 20 of us to close in on her from all sides, so she has absolutely no chance of escaping. In the spirit of fairness, I’d like to see everyone involved get the chance to rip away at least one solid handful of her flesh, but if our alpha male decides he wants to just snap Jane’s neck with a good hard yank of her ponytail, I’m certainly not going to argue.

Now, who gets to eat which parts is something we can decide later, and we definitely should make sure that her heart, lungs, and viscera are distributed appropriately. I’d personally like to lay claim to her face—or at least some part of the head and brain—but what’s most important now is that we’re all on the same page about what’s going to happen the next time this woman shows up. Can we please, please agree on that? It’s way past time we pulled the trigger on this thing.


Besides, think about how great it’s going to be! At this point, there’s no way she’ll see it coming. She’ll just be strolling toward our colony with her dumb little notebook in hand like it’s just another ordinary day of studying us and then—wham!—it’s the least ordinary day of her fucking life. I mean, imagine what a letdown it would be if she just dropped dead of natural causes. Sure, we’d still get to eat her, but the thrill would be gone.

Worst of all, we’d never get to see that devastated look on her face as she suddenly realized that we not only never accepted her as one of our own, but also that, from the very first day, we hated her and wanted her dead.