DELANCO, NJ—Crouching on the river’s muddy banks as they carefully weighed down the journalist’s dismembered corpse with bricks, President Donald Trump informed Mohammed bin Salman Monday that they will never speak of this again as they dumped Jamal Khashoggi’s body into the Delaware River. “This never happened, alright?” Donald Trump told the Saudi crown prince at approximately 4:32 a.m., jumping out of sight as headlights passed on the nearby turnpike before tossing several garbage bags containing body parts into the river and watching the forms sink into the murky depths. “Who knows what took place tonight? I don’t, that’s for sure. We never met. We never spoke. Next time I see you, we just shake hands for the cameras and smile.” At press time, Trump and bin Salman were driving home in complete silence after burning the blanket that once covered Khashoggi’s body.

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