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Wealthy Family Sent Little Life Update On Senator They’re Sponsoring

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DARIEN, CT—Members of the wealthy Allerton family reportedly read their mail with excitement Tuesday after they were sent a little life update on a senator they have sponsored for the past several years. “Thom is doing just great in the Senate—he’s made a lot of friends, and he even recently co-sponsored a bill, none of which would have been possible without your generous donation,” read the letter, one of many that Richard and Ellen Allerton have received every few months since they found it in their hearts to start sponsoring Thom Tillis, a North Carolina man who dreamed of becoming a senator, in 2014. “Enclosed, as always, is Thom’s latest congressional portrait. Doesn’t he look great? We’re happy to report that Thom is healthy, happy, and loves his friends on the Committee on Banking, Housing, and Urban Affairs. As you know, it gets cold in D.C. during these winter months, but Thom is staying warm with those Armani suits and that down parka your sponsorship enabled him to buy. His speeches are getting better every day, and we’ve also heard that he’s met a nice mistress. We thank you for your contributions and encourage you to even consider increasing the amount you send Thom each month, as this money goes a long way toward helping him pass all that pro-business and pro-Israel legislation you like.” According to sources, the Allerton family was also delighted to receive a handwritten note from the senator they’re sponsoring that read “Thank you so much—you make me smile!” and included an adorable crayon drawing of the Capitol building.