SARASOTA, FL—Gasping with joy as his father revealed the graduation gift, local wealthy child Scott Hoffman thanked his parents Tuesday after they surprised him with a judge who would let him off the hook for future rape accusations. “Oh man, this is the best present ever—thank you, thank you, thank you Mom and Dad!” said an elated Hoffman, who jumped up and down, sprinted out the door of his house, and immediately began inspecting the 76-year-old state court judge who would ensure that multiple sexual assault accusations against him were dropped . “Please, please, please, can I take him for a spin? I promise I’ll be careful when I use him to get around the legal system. This is so perfect for my first year of college. Everyone’s going to be so jealous that I got one on the 12th Judicial Circuit. How did you know I wanted one that was white?” At press time, Hoffman had been grounded by his parents after he refused to share the judge with his younger brother, who had been charged with raping several classmates.
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