WASHINGTON, DC—A National Weather Service advisory predicting that graphic blood storms will touch ground in the southern U.S. Wednesday is being met with numb resignation by weather-weary Americans.
"Guess I should go buy some plastic tarps and cover up the house, or what remains of it," said Scott Huster of Waveland, MS, echoing the sentiments of a nation battered in recent months by a succession of violent hurricanes, tropical storms, and tornadoes.
According to the advisory, clouds of pure blood have congealed in the atmosphere above Port-au-Prince, Haiti and are heading north at speeds of up to 80 miles per hour. NWS meteorologists predict that the unprecedented storm will splatter most of the Gulf states and West Coast by Friday.
"I suppose I'll have to cancel the barbecue," said Larry Milhouse of Kiln, MS.
Meteorologists are predicting an epic storm of biblical proportions, marked by bullet-velocity winds and flash blooding in low-lying areas. In the Great Lakes and New England states, blood may even coagulate and freeze into softball-sized clot-hail, shattering windows, damaging roofs, and triggering massive blockages on roads and highways.
"Blood-hail can't be any worse than the early thaw in spring," Vermont mother of four Stacey Boswell said. "Still, I'd better take the clothes off the line."
During a Monday night press conference, acting FEMA Director R. David Paulison recommended that citizens of the Southwest evacuate the area immediately, in order to avoid bile blizzards and packs of marauding wolves.
"We recommend that people stay indoors during the storms," Paulison said. "In addition to gale-force winds, the blood storms carry multiple forms of bacteria and disease, such as Hepatitis B."
Georgia resident James Treadwell had a characteristic response to the warnings.
"I'll just put on some extra-thick boots," Treadwell said. "I'll get an umbrella, and cover up my open cuts."
Naples, FL resident Kathy English said she is determined not to let the gruesome weather disrupt her everyday routine.
"I'm not that worried—at least the blood's supposed to be warm, unlike the sleet that got us last fall," said English, a dog-walker who does not expect a decline in her business during the storm. "Plus, it's only supposed to be a Category 3 blood storm."
According to NWS spokesperson Joe Colby, the worst blood storm conceivable is a Category 5 on the Saffir-Savini Meteorosanguinity Scale. In this type of storm, bubbling, boiling blood the consistency of corn syrup pours from the skies, scalding every exposed living thing and sparking fires.
Although FEMA officials have encouraged citizens to evacuate to Canada, many Americans have opted to wait it out.
"I've driven in the early-season blizzards for the past three weeks—how much worse can a little blood be?" said Indiana resident Clark Merrit. "I also worked in a slaughterhouse for 20 years, and trust me, you get used to the smell."
The storm is expected to just miss the Pacific Northwest, a fact that greatly relieves residents there, who are gearing up for a possible shitstorm this weekend.