TURLOCK, CA—Dismissing other women’s claims that the terrorist organization had inflicted abuses upon them that ranged from sexual assault to torture to murder, a female friend of the Taliban argued Thursday that they never did anything like that to her. “Women have been throwing out a lot of terrible accusations against the Taliban, so I want to make clear that in the 25 years since the Taliban first rose to power, they have never once denied me an education or stoned me in public,” said 36-year-old California native Allison Carter, who expressed doubts about the frequency of Taliban beheadings, noting that she had never personally witnessed one. “As you can see, I still have my head. I’ve never had acid thrown in my face. Obviously, I want to believe women whenever I can, but I have to take my own experience into account, too. Right now, we all need to take a step back and ask ourselves if we really want to ruin the lives of these hardworking, dedicated extremists just because we’re seeing a bunch of renewed allegations that they force women and girls into sex slavery.” At press time, the public had reportedly decided to give the Taliban the benefit of the doubt and wait until all the facts were in.