YAKIMA, WA—Indignant over her continued ability to burn, visibly angry local woman Maria Williams, who is currently ablaze, asked aloud Tuesday why she even bothered to get a Covid-19 vaccine if it turned out she could still catch fire. “There’s no way I would’ve gotten that stupid jab if I knew I could still go up in flames like this!” screamed Williams, who was reportedly engulfed in smoke from head to toe as she ran through her home and accused the scientific establishment of deception, stating that it had failed to inform her of her continued flammability when it immunized her against the deadly virus. “Those shots were supposed to protect me! I went through all that hassle. I schlepped all the way out to Walgreens—twice!—and for what? So I could wind up with a sore arm for a couple days and still be vulnerable to third-degree burns?” At press time, Williams further cursed the nation’s public health experts upon realizing she was also still capable of spreading the fire to combustible members of her household.
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