It’s well known that Barack Obama and I don’t see eye to eye. I believe in freedom, limited government, and rewarding those who work hard. I was a vocal advocate of his opponent, Gov. Mitt Romney, during this year’s presidential campaign. I wasn’t a huge fan of Mr. Obama’s first term, and I don’t think he’s such a big fan of my politics, either. But I also understand that great thinkers don’t always agree, which is why I have decided that, should the president call on me to serve as secretary of state, I would honor my duty as an American and accept.
Kid Rock knows better than to let partisan politics get in the way when his country is calling on him to serve.
I’m certain Obama has considered me for his Cabinet. Hell, it’s a known fact that there are plenty of world leaders who’d be down to roll with the Kid as their top international official. And even though we’ve butted heads more than a couple of times, Obama knows as well as I do that, were I selected to this prestigious post, I would put our past differences aside and discharge my substantial duties to the utmost extent of my ability. As secretary of state, I would party hard, have a good time, and—if and when my country demands it—attend peace conferences while coordinating the various departments of the U.S. government overseas.
So if the president is looking for an experienced rebel soul who’ll bring the same energy to Cabinet meetings that he brought to the Between the Legs Tour back in ’99, well, then, he need look no further than the original American Bad Ass, the Devil Without a Cause.
Would I do a good job? Of course I would. I’m Kid Rock. I can handle Egypt, Benghazi, Hamas, and all that. I’ve performed a bunch of times in the Middle East, they love me over there, and I can tell you 100 percent: The world right now is ready for a secretary of state who’s larger than life. Someone who can take the raw talent behind such songs as “Black Chick, White Guy,” “Bawitdaba,” and “Feel Like Makin’ Love” and use it to forge some ass-whuppin’ bilateral agreements to set your soul on fire. People want a guy who isn’t scared to walk right up into Israel or someplace and say, “Hey, Mr. Netanyahu, let’s collaborate on something that’s diplomatic and at the same time kicks ass.”
Admittedly, I’m not a conventional choice for secretary of state. It’s true: I’ve had some run-ins with the law, I’ve made a sex tape, and I guess I have a certain fuck-the-world attitude that’s uncommon in diplomats. I’ll tell you one thing, though: I’ve been committed to every single thing I’ve done since day one. I can sing, rock the turntables, play guitars, and program beats for days with the best of them. Who’s to say I can’t add “negotiate with foreign dignitaries,” “supervise immigration policy,” and “protect the Great Seal of the United States” to that list?
The president and I may not agree about the proper size of the federal government or how much it should control regular Americans’ lives, but I’m going to be honest: If he said to me tomorrow, “Listen, Kid Rock, shit is hitting the fan. As you know, the deficit is growing, the Middle East is in turmoil, and Hillary Clinton is stepping down soon. I’ve been considering different candidates to replace her, and frankly, you’re the one best suited for the job. You have the vision, the experience, and uncompromising vision I’m looking for. So, Kid, I need you to do this. I need you to be our nation’s 68th secretary of state”—if President Obama called me and said all that, well, then I’d definitely be willing to take on that responsibility.
Because guess what? I love this fuckin’ country. And guess what? When your president asks you to serve, you fuckin’ say yes.