Scott Pruitt
Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency

Oh my god, what is it with you people? It’s like you’re obsessed. It’s all you ever talk about: Wah, wah, wah, the glaciers are melting! We just can’t live without our precious glaciers! I hear it so often I’m seriously starting to wonder if maybe there isn’t something else going on here. So tell me, are you guys totally in love with glaciers, or what?

That’s it, isn’t it? You’re always going on and on about how they’re soooo beautiful and how much you would miss them if they were gone. Yeah, I think you like them. And I mean like-like them. Hey, if you care about glaciers that much, maybe you should marry them.

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I bet you think about receding polar ice caps all the time, huh? Like, constantly. You can’t help yourself.

Don’t try to hide it. It’s so obvious. I’m actually kind of surprised you haven’t come out and said you love glaciers yet. Just admit it. You want to make out with them, don’t you? Yeah, you do. No one would write so many articles, make so many documentaries, and hold so many protests unless the thought of glaciers made them totally horny.

Look, if you need to look at before-and-after shots of shrinking glaciers, that’s really gross, but I’m not going to stop you. You can fly up to Greenland and start French-kissing them, for all I care. You know you want to. You probably want to have lots of babies with them, too.

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You’re such freaks!

Maybe once you do it with a glacier you’ll finally be able relax. It’d certainly save me the headache of having to listen to you get all upset and cry about another Antarctic ice sheet collapsing. “No, Scott, no!!! Glaciers need to stay! We can’t live without them! We’re going to miss them so much!!!!” Here’s an idea: what if instead of being a cranky little bitch, you put your energy into getting what everyone knows you really want?

It’s not only glaciers you love, is it? You pervs also have the hots for rivers, rainforests, the atmosphere, permafrost, and who knows what else. I just hope the glaciers don’t get jealous. I mean, they never would, of course. You do realize that glaciers have no idea you exist, right? You think they’d ever be into you? They so would not.

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Anyway, if you ever get done being a weirdo, let me know if you ever wanna meet some normal oil and gas executives. I gotta admit, I’m such a slut sometimes!