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What Coca-Cola Does To The Body

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Including recent claims that it funded research that blamed obesity on a lack of exercise rather than bad dietary habits, the Coca-Cola Company is often accused of trying to hide or downplay the damaging effects of soft drink consumption. Here’s what drinking Coke really does to the body:

  • Extreme sugar intake causes the body to release a rush of Quenchanoids and the hormone Refreshatonin
  • Cognition is immediately affected, sharply increasing your desire to ride in an open-top jeep with an attractive and exuberant group of ethnically varied friends
  • Heart lets out audible whimper
  • Increased blood sugar levels send message to the body that it is in America
  • You are legally dead for exactly 75 seconds
  • Changes in cerebral fluid chemistry cause brain to instantly form 20 rationalizations for the continuous intake of empty calories
  • Aluminum can’s jagged edges destroy stomach lining
  • Enamel decay eliminates pesky teeth that were only getting in way of more cool, refreshing Coke
  • Ugh, it’s best to not even mention what happens to the liver
  • Makes your hands pretty sticky if spilled
  • An extreme elevation in mood is experienced by Coke CEO Muhtar Kent after earning $5.5 million quarterly bonus
  • Cumulative deleterious effects on the body stop drinkers from being immortal and living forever as they otherwise would have done