What Conservatives Are Saying About Elon Musk Buying Twitter

Elon Musk took control of the social media site Twitter this week with a $44 billion deal. The Onion asked conservatives what they thought about Musk buying Twitter.

“Finally, I can share my controversial views on global millet production without being censored.”

“Sucker. Everyone knows the real way to control free speech is buying a newspaper.”

“Elon, if you’re reading this, the baby is yours and I can prove it.”

“Twitter is a website. Websites are viewed on laptops. Ipso facto, Hunter Biden.”

“I am going to doxx a child.”

“It’s going to make our jobs a hell of a lot easier, we’ll all tell you that much.”

“I just think that $44 billion could have been better spent starting a race war directly.”

“I still prefer to get my political messages across by defacing synagogues, but I think this is a good step.”

“I always knew big tech would be the one to finally stand up to big tech.”

“Elon Musk? The Zip2 guy? I haven’t really followed him since then.”

“I’m excited for an open and free exchange of ideas on how to better subjugate Black people.”

“What won’t this man buy? A shoe store? Will he buy my shoe store? I am getting up there in years and I desperately need someone to take this shoe store off my hands. Mr. Musk, sir, I know you are generous! Please, I beg you, help a humble shoe store owner with his miserable shoe store!”

“Twitter? I don’t know what that is. You mean Truth Social?”

“I still think he should be deported.”

“I hope he’ll reinstate me after the woke mob banned me for saying I detected notes of honey in a 2019 Rombauer Chardonnay.”

“I’d hope he’d realize that cozying up to a senator like myself would garner him political favors in a regulatory matter like this, but unfortunately he still thinks I’m a huge fucking loser.”