What Conservatives Are Saying About Elon Musk Buying Twitter

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Elon Musk took control of the social media site Twitter this week with a $44 billion deal. The Onion asked conservatives what they thought about Musk buying Twitter.

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2 / 19

Glen Pilcher (Millet Farmer)

“Finally, I can share my controversial views on global millet production without being censored.”

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3 / 19

Jeff Bezos (Executive Chairman, Amazon)

“Sucker. Everyone knows the real way to control free speech is buying a newspaper.”

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4 / 19

Melanie Bishop (Mechanical Engineer)

“Elon, if you’re reading this, the baby is yours and I can prove it.”

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5 / 19

Jeanie Clark (Pundit)

“Twitter is a website. Websites are viewed on laptops. Ipso facto, Hunter Biden.”

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6 / 19

Kristin Burch (Registered Nurse)

“I am going to doxx a child.”

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7 / 19

Patriot_DG_1921822 (Twitter Bot)

“It’s going to make our jobs a hell of a lot easier, we’ll all tell you that much.”

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8 / 19

Ben Tohtz (Economist)

“I just think that $44 billion could have been better spent starting a race war directly.”

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9 / 19

Maria Ensing (PR Manager)

“I still prefer to get my political messages across by defacing synagogues, but I think this is a good step.”

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10 / 19

Shane Rowland (Insurance Sales Agent)

“I always knew big tech would be the one to finally stand up to big tech.”

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11 / 19

Natasha Guildstern (Diamond Jeweler)

“Elon Musk? The Zip2 guy? I haven’t really followed him since then.”

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12 / 19

Victoria Wooten (Interior Designer)

“I’m excited for an open and free exchange of ideas on how to better subjugate Black people.”

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13 / 19

Claudio Barrera (Shoe Store Owner)

“What won’t this man buy? A shoe store? Will he buy my shoe store? I am getting up there in years and I desperately need someone to take this shoe store off my hands. Mr. Musk, sir, I know you are generous! Please, I beg you, help a humble shoe store owner with his miserable shoe store!”

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14 / 19

Patricia Daigle (High School Teacher)

“Twitter? I don’t know what that is. You mean Truth Social?”

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15 / 19

Sarah Roth (Radiology Tech)

“I still think he should be deported.”

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16 / 19

Ted Calvin (Sommelier)

“I hope he’ll reinstate me after the woke mob banned me for saying I detected notes of honey in a 2019 Rombauer Chardonnay.”

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17 / 19

Ted Cruz (Senator)

“I’d hope he’d realize that cozying up to a senator like myself would garner him political favors in a regulatory matter like this, but unfortunately he still thinks I’m a huge fucking loser.”

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18 / 19

Anthony Sarkar (Audiologist)

“I love watching the richest man on Earth stick it to those elites.”