
Elon Musk took control of the social media site Twitter this week with a $44 billion deal. The Onion asked conservatives what they thought about Musk buying Twitter.
Elon Musk took control of the social media site Twitter this week with a $44 billion deal. The Onion asked conservatives what they thought about Musk buying Twitter.
“Finally, I can share my controversial views on global millet production without being censored.”
“Sucker. Everyone knows the real way to control free speech is buying a newspaper.”
“Elon, if you’re reading this, the baby is yours and I can prove it.”
“Twitter is a website. Websites are viewed on laptops. Ipso facto, Hunter Biden.”
“I am going to doxx a child.”
“It’s going to make our jobs a hell of a lot easier, we’ll all tell you that much.”
“I just think that $44 billion could have been better spent starting a race war directly.”
“I still prefer to get my political messages across by defacing synagogues, but I think this is a good step.”
“I always knew big tech would be the one to finally stand up to big tech.”
“Elon Musk? The Zip2 guy? I haven’t really followed him since then.”
“I’m excited for an open and free exchange of ideas on how to better subjugate Black people.”
“What won’t this man buy? A shoe store? Will he buy my shoe store? I am getting up there in years and I desperately need someone to take this shoe store off my hands. Mr. Musk, sir, I know you are generous! Please, I beg you, help a humble shoe store owner with his miserable shoe store!”
“Twitter? I don’t know what that is. You mean Truth Social?”
“I still think he should be deported.”
“I hope he’ll reinstate me after the woke mob banned me for saying I detected notes of honey in a 2019 Rombauer Chardonnay.”
“I’d hope he’d realize that cozying up to a senator like myself would garner him political favors in a regulatory matter like this, but unfortunately he still thinks I’m a huge fucking loser.”
“I love watching the richest man on Earth stick it to those elites.”