CHICAGO—With confusion descending upon the U.S. populace as it struggled to grasp what was happening to their bodies, a largely quarantined nation announced, “What is this strange sensation,” Monday after slipping on shoes for the first time in a while to step outside for some fresh air. “It’s such a weird feeling, almost as if someone were holding my foot in a firm, supportive grasp,” said Schaumburg, IL native Jared Flakne, who, like millions of other Americans, appeared perplexed as he pulled his shoes back off to see if there was anything inside them that might be responsible for the extraordinary sensory experience. “I shook them out, but nope, it’s just my feet in there. I can’t make sense of it. They feel so alien, and yet…and yet not entirely unfamiliar, either. I’m definitely getting a kind of weird déjà vu about this whole situation.” At press time, sources confirmed the nation had taken a few tentative, wobbly steps toward the door before tripping over untied laces and falling on their faces.
More from The Onion