What’s In The New EU Climate Change Plan

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The European Union on Wednesday announced a slew of new climate change legislation aimed at making its 27 member states carbon neutral by 2050. The Onion looks at the key components of the EU’s new climate change plan.

  • Tighter emission limits for European car manufacturers to lie about.
  • Banning use of gasoline-powered windmills.
  • Measures to ensure the less prosperous member states get absolutely reamed.
  • Getting Finland to try cracking window and lay off AC.
  • Stunning graphic design.
  • Mandating any new fascist regime use renewable energy to fuel conquests.
  • Razing old, inefficient buildings like the Louvre and the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
  • Contingency plans to pull an all-nighter right before the 2050 deadline.
  • Adding bike lanes to Autobahn.
  • The words “We are doomed” printed in 24 different official languages.