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What’s In The Pentagon Report On UFOs

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Details have begun to leak about an upcoming Pentagon report declassifying government intelligence about unidentified flying objects, which must be released in accordance with a provision of the coronavirus spending bill President Trump signed into law in December 2020. The Onion provides some of the most intriguing details from the upcoming report on UFOs.

  • List of cities government has authorized to offer as sacrifices to aggressive extraterrestrials.
  • Confirmation of existence of Jon Hamm and other Hamm-like beings.
  • Hundreds of expert testimonials that these things just come outta nowhere and then start zipping around.
  • A couple news cycles’ worth of information to distract us from current geopolitical disasters.
  • Aliens’ wish for humanity to know that the bronze statue of the Fonz in downtown Milwaukee is really cool.
  • Bunch of strange, unnecessary digs at China.
  • Evidence that the Pentagon wasted even more money than previously thought possible.
  • 4.5 terabytes of drawings by intelligence officials fantasizing what sexy aliens might look like
  • Revelation that most UFOs were acquired by United Airlines in 1998 as part of $7 billion merger.
  • Confirmation that there may be alien life that unfortunately isn’t interested in destroying humanity.