What’s In The Pentagon Report On UFOs

Illustration for article titled What’s In The Pentagon Report On UFOs

Details have begun to leak about an upcoming Pentagon report declassifying government intelligence about unidentified flying objects, which must be released in accordance with a provision of the coronavirus spending bill President Trump signed into law in December 2020. The Onion provides some of the most intriguing details from the upcoming report on UFOs.

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  • List of cities government has authorized to offer as sacrifices to aggressive extraterrestrials.
  • Confirmation of existence of Jon Hamm and other Hamm-like beings.
  • Hundreds of expert testimonials that these things just come outta nowhere and then start zipping around.
  • A couple news cycles’ worth of information to distract us from current geopolitical disasters.
  • Aliens’ wish for humanity to know that the bronze statue of the Fonz in downtown Milwaukee is really cool.
  • Bunch of strange, unnecessary digs at China.
  • Evidence that the Pentagon wasted even more money than previously thought possible.
  • 4.5 terabytes of drawings by intelligence officials fantasizing what sexy aliens might look like
  • Revelation that most UFOs were acquired by United Airlines in 1998 as part of $7 billion merger.
  • Confirmation that there may be alien life that unfortunately isn’t interested in destroying humanity.