What’s In The Third Covid Relief Bill

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After passing Congress on partisan lines, a $1.9 trillion relief bill, the third of the coronavirus pandemic, was signed by President Joe Biden on Thursday. The Onion looks at what’s in the new relief bill.


Small monetary reminder why having kids wasn’t totally without benefit.

100 million “I Survived The Pandemic!” beer koozies.

Enhanced benefits for unemployed Americans, excluding freelancers, gig workers, independent contractors, temporary staff, and the self-employed.

Personalized social media shoutouts.

$2,000* checks.

An honest look at what lawmakers think a reasonable personal budget looks like.

Foreword by Jimmy Carter.

Health insurance subsidy with paradox clause that disqualifies anyone who applies for it.

$1,500 tax credit for couples who don’t currently have children but could definitely see themselves having kids in the future.

Ends on cliffhanger to guarantee people tune in for the next Covid relief bill.