Americans are projected to spend more than $600 billion during the 2013 holiday shopping season. Here is a breakdown of the average American consumer’s Christmas spending:
- $80: Outdoor Christmas lights that prove you’re a fuckin’ somebody
- $11: A corn-husk doll, new sewing patterns, and a small sack of brown sugar for the daughter of the family
- $1,700: Candy canes
- $110: Cocaine to stay up and watch for Santa
- $10: Something for middle child
- $24: Digital picture frame that will give Grandma something to struggle with until she dies
- $140: Peppermint spice gasoline for holiday travel
- $0: Another pocket-watch-for-hair-combs/hair-for-watch-chain fuckup again
- $25: Elf poison
- $0.06: One green and one red M&M
- $8,000: Christmas dinner appearance fee for Pierce Brosnan
- $517.83: New gaming console and impulse-buy Snickers